Harry Potter and the Shiny Stone
by Ettare
Summary: What will Harry and company do this time? Hagrid's compared to a yeti, Dudley's extremly smart, and is that muggle cop Lucius Malfoy? Parody to "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"
1. Hagrid the Yeti

Harry Potter and the Shiny Stone  
By: Caitlin   
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and I own no other reference to anything else.

Date: 5/11/04  
  
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"Ah yes, Privet Drive, also known as the residence of the Dursleys. Now as anyone who knows the Dursleys, they will tell you that they were the nicest, happiest family around. In fact they are so nice and happy they took in their nephew, Harry Potter. This is his story."

Harry awoke to a constant dripping on his head. Yes, some might ask why he would sleep in a place where he was dripped on. Well, due to the pure love and hospitality of the Dursleys, as one might have mentioned before, they gave Harry his own cupboard under the sink.

As I was saying, Harry awoke to a constant dripping. He quickly sat up to avoid the next drip, but didn't so luckily avoid the pipe. Thus, he was knocked unconscious for several hours.

"Oh," Harry groaned as he sat up. He looked down to see a pile of dust sitting next to him. The dust hopped closer to his hand.

"Hi," Harry mumbled groggily. The dust continued to sit there. Now, if you were a normal person you would find this odd, but Harry wasn't a normal person and often conversed with the dust bunnies that could be located under his cousin, Dudley's bed. For you see, in his pitiful state Harry didn't have any human friends.

The dust bunny continued to sit there and stare. Though if you listened you couldn't hear anything; this didn't stop him. Harry shifted and his head narrowly missed the pipe.

"No Betty, the tea party is tomorrow." The dust didn't reply. "I still have to knick the crumpets out of Dudley's clandestine hoard." No retort was heard of. It wasn't a wonder that the Dursleys considered Harry a lunatic.

Shuffling out of his cupboard Harry spotted his cousin. Dudley was reading a book labeled _The Scientific Discovery of the Human Brain.  
_

"Hi Dudley." Dudley didn't glance up, but continued to munch on his toast as he read. Harry shrugged this off as he tried to make his breakfast. The key word of that task was tried.

Before anyone could attempt to stop him, Harry managed to blow up the toaster and catch the microwave on fire. Being the understanding people the Dursleys are, they only locked Harry in the cellar and made him train the rats to perform in a ballet.

After he finally managed to do so he went to get the mail. Now Harry wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, and when he saw the letter addressed to him he got excited. Instead of sneakily putting the letter in his cupboard so he could read it later, he began singing a horrible tune that went kind of like the _Blue's Clues_ letter song. He was also skipping around the room.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia's (they had just popped in out of nowhere like 'magic') eyes widened in alarm. Vernon, who was turning a rather odd shade of mauve, quickly acted.

"Sorry boy, that's not your name, so the letter can't be addressed to you."

"I-It's not?" Harry asked unsure of what the truth was.

"No, it's Larry Vanstroodle." Harry or Larry looked around the room confused. Dudley suddenly looked up from his book.

"Don't be a git, Harry. Of course your real name is Harry Potter." Then he muttered a comment about reading the Harry Potter books under breath, but no one took any notice to that.

"Oh," Harry looked relieved. Aunt Petunia suddenly sprinted at Harry and grabbed the letter. She promptly crumbled it up and stuffed it into her mouth. It was no secret that Aunt Petunia was horse faced, but acting like a goat?

"Oh well," Harry thought. He then decided to go watch his favorite TV show Teenage _Mutant Ninja Turtles_ and then an unhealthy dose of _Power Rangers_. It was at this convenient time that an owl decided to start tapping on the living room window.

"Oh look! It's an owl!" Harry exclaimed happily. There was a sudden loud BANG and the owl swiftly dropped to the ground no longer alive. Harry looked over to see Uncle Vernon standing with a shot gun looking quite proud of himself.

"We'll take that one to the taxidermist, we will," he said, swooping down and picking up the bird. He then took the letter strapped to the bird's leg and handed it to Aunt Petunia. She glanced around suspiciously and then dashed up the stairs with the letter.

Harry shrugged off any suspicions he had about his aunt and uncle and went back to his program. Some time later, after watching people dressed in brightly colored clothes pretending to fight off evil (Harry was preeeeeeetty sure he a zipper on the villain's back), Harry decided to cook something. (Fortunately Harry didn't break anything this time.)

While Harry was serving the Dursleys, he was bombarded with a load of letters. Coincidently, the letters kept falling.

"I can't breathe," he said while swimming through them. Uncle Vernon's eyes widened, as did Petunia's. The glanced at each other and then dashed out the door. Dudley, being very smart, followed suit, but Harry being slower and fruitier than the average fruitcake, continued to swim through the pieces of paper. Uncle Vernon then came back in, doing the sidestroke, pulled Harry from the deep.

Soon after, Harry found himself strapped to the roof of the car along with the baggage. Enjoying the scenery as Uncle Vernon flew down the highway, the car pulled up to a raging sea. Now, being in a crazed mood, Uncle Vernon decided that it would be very safe for himself and his family to move in a cardboard shack built on a small rock in the middle of that raging sea. So they all got into a rickety, hole filled boat and rowed, with all the belongings they had salvaged from the letter flood, across the raging sea and to the shack.

It was later that Harry could be found lying on the floor attempting his hand at cave drawings.

Then it happened. A loud THUMP resounded throughout the shack as the door flew forward almost squishing Harry.

"Ah!" Harry screamed as a very large silhouette stepped forward into the pitiful shelter. "It's Big Foot!" Dudley shot up like a rocket.

"Where?!" he screamed looking around wildly. Dudley then ran to get a science magazine and camera.

He was ignored as the yeti spoke, "Oh. Sorry 'bout that."

"It speaks!" exclaimed Dudley.

"'Course I do. What do you think I am a yeti?" Harry, in all the jumble, had crawled into a corner and was rocking back and forth muttering,

"There is no yeti; there is no yeti," over and over again.

"Harry! I am Rubeus Hagrid, keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts, but you know all about that." Harry stopped his muttering and rocking for a moment, looked up, and then went back to his previous task. Hagrid sighed and pulled out a pink umbrella that had yellow polka dots on it.

That was when Uncle Vernon (who had come down the stairs with Aunt Petunia moments ago) broke into song. "She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini—" Harry suddenly stood up.

"Do not make fun of my future Care of Magical Creatures teacher and friend." Hermione suddenly came out of nowhere.

"So you do read the books and paid attention!"

"Who the heck are you?" Harry had reverted back to his oblivious self.

"Or not...oh well." And with that, Hermione left just as mysteriously as she came.

"So Harry," Hagrid said looking over at the boy in question. "Do you want to ride back to you Hogwarts with me where you will face trolls, dragons, evil wizards, and other perils that are sure to kill you?"

"What's in it for me?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"Hmm, well, you get to ride on a big, black flying Harley to get there."

"Okay," Harry answered cheerfully

"He will not be going," Vernon said firmly. Then added as an afterthought, "Why is it I'm always the evil, overbearing uncle?" Petunia patted uncle Vernon's shoulder comfortingly.

"There, there dear. Think of this, you're never compared to a baby killer whale." Vernon raised his eyebrows in thought.

"True," he nodded, seemingly pleased.

"So, we had better get going," Hagrid exclaimed after Vernon's emotional moment. Hagrid then led Harry outside to where the Harley sat. Hagrid sat down on the motorcycle and it sunk down considerably. Half way over London the engine of the motorcycle started to smoke. Muttering, Hagrid steered the vehicle towards the ground. A muggle officer pulled up behind them and got out of his car.

Striding up to Hagrid and Harry he began to speak, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Hagrid just stared at the cop while Harry was wondering what the heck was going on.

"You were going way over the speed limit." The cop held out his hand two Hagrid when Harry interrupted.

"Since when are muggle people accustomed to flying vehicles?" the cop shifted his gaze to the-boy-who-lived.

"Ever seen E.T., son?" Harry nodded his scar clad head slowly.

"Well, with the flying bike in that movie and the reference to a flying car in the second HP book, I've come to expect such things."

"Ah," Harry said knowingly. "Yes, yes I know. I have to go to the movie premier for the first HP movie."

"Well, your license, sir?" Hagrid looked stricken. "Don't tell me you don't have one," the officer said exasperated. "Is this your first offence?" Hagrid shook his head. The officer sighed. "Okay, I'll cut you a deal. I'll let you off with a warning and you'll give me a part in the HP movies.

"Done," Harry said quickly. Hagrid shrugged and started wheeling the motorcycle forward.

"Can't you use magic?" Harry hissed. The yeti-man thought for a moment before pulling out his umbrella. In seconds Hagrid and Harry were in the air again. "Wahoo!" Harry said screaming joyfully and grinning to himself. "I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky..." Harry started flapping his arms around while Hagrid looked disturbed.  
  
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Chapter 2 is coming soon! Please review!


	2. The Big Purple Dinosaur

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and I own no other reference to anything else.

Ahem, due to the fact that I am too lazy for my own good it took forever to type this chapter. Yes, it was already written, just not typed. I will try to post chapter three in about a month.

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Chapter 2: The Big Purple Dinosaur

It surprised Harry when he and Hagrid arrived in a grungy looking little pub. It surprised Harry even more when they let him in. Secretly he considered that maybe he was really older than he originally thought. When Harry strode into the room he was swarmed like a hive of angry bees.

"Bless my word, it's Harry Potter," a voice exclaimed amazed. Hagrid dragged Harry through the throng of people. They came upon a man with a purple turban.

"Oh, 'ello professor. Didn't see you there." Harry stared at the man. He reminded him of someone familiar...someone evil...BARNEY!

"Y-you're Barney," Harry stuttered.

"T-that's my Animagi form," the professor stuttered back. "M-my n-name is Quirrell." Harry eyed the man before him suspiciously. Yes, there was definitely something off about him, too, besides the fact that his Animagi form was Barney. Harry inwardly shuddered at the thought of the big purple dinosaur before going back to his previous thoughts. He had it!

"That turban went out of style five minutes ago," Harry said nodding his head, proud that he had found the error. The professor squeaked and dove under the nearest table. Harry looked at Hagrid who shrugged. The two continued onward until they came to a large brick wall.

"Darn, what was that password?" Hagrid wondered aloud, stroking his beard. "Hmm...Applejacks! No...peach cobbler!" This went on for several minutes before Hagrid remembered that it wasn't a vocal password at all.

"After the two of them had finally made it into Diagon Alley, Hagrid and Harry went into Gringotts.

"What the heck are those things? Trolls?" Harry asked gesturing to the small, ugly beings brutally stamping...well, whatever it is that they stamp. The two of them walked up to the head honcho dude while Hagrid explained that they weren't trolls at all, but really goblins that could be really really mean if they wanted.

"We'd like to make a withdrawal, please, for Mister Harry Potter."

"And does Mister Harry Potter have his key?" the goblin asked, leaning forward.

"Oh! Here it is," Hagrid said as he pulled out...a rubber ducky. "Wait'a'minute, it's in here somewhere." And thus, the Great Key Search began.

It was after they had managed to find the key and were on their way down to the vaults did Harry realize that maybe; just maybe, it wasn't such a good idea to eat those nicked crumpets a few hours before.

"I am soooo going to be sick," he moaned as he put his head on his knees and tried to block out all sound. It didn't seem that Hagrid was fairing any better. The whoosh and fast moving cart apparently had the same effects on Yeti's.

After they had spent some time ogling over how much gold Harry's Parents had left him, he and Hagrid went to a different vault. This vault was in top security and when the cart pulled to a stop Harry was waiting with baited breath.

The goblin ran his long finger down the door making a horrible sound that resembled a person running their fingers down a chalkboard.

"Ah! It burns!" Harry screamed reeling on the floor. He squirmed around and held his hands to his head. After he had recovered from his attack he stood and looked as the door opened, creaking the whole time.

"This whole book is centered around _that_?" Harry asked wrinkling his nose and gesturing to a grubby brown, little package.

"Yep," replied Hagrid. "Just don't tell anyone...even though we all know you'll spill the enchiladas to Ron and Hermione." Hagrid muttered the last part to himself. Harry's eyebrows shot up.

"_Me_?!" he asked surprised. "_You're _the one who tells everybody! ...And who are Ron and Hermione?!" he exclaimed narrowing his eyes. Hagrid just shook his head.

"This will be the death of me," he stated sadly.

The ride up wasn't any better than the ride down and Harry swore he say a lightning bug down one of the tunnels because there was a pretty flaming glow.

"Okay Harry, I'm going to go...err...somewhere else and you go get your wand." Harry nodded his head vigorously and skipped off to the wand department store where he could pick out a wand to match his hot little buttocks.

A pale man came from the back room when he arrived in the thirteen floor wand department store, _'Vander's Hot and Spicy Wands. _Harry looked around the store in interest.

"Hello," the elderly man said, "I wondered when I'd be seeing you here." The ghostly man peered at Harry with his light blue eyes. "It seems just like yesterday your mother and father were in here buying their first wands."

And with that, the man went into a flashback, as often old people do. A small boy that looked peculiarly like Harry was zipping around the room zapping things with a wand, an evil look smeared across his face. James Potter turned around and pointed the wand at a small redhead. She screeched as her hair turned turquoise and tackled James to the floor, screaming for him to change it back.

"Ah, yes. It was suck an eventful time. Lily and James Potter; what a wonderful couple they were." Harry nodded his head unsure of what to do for he had little experience with reminiscing old people.

"Well, now to get to your wand," the man said, suddenly very perky. He glided happily over a shelf and took a wand out of its box. "Like a shoe, it should fit perfectly," he said giddily. Harry looked at him incredulously, but said nothing.

He handed Harry the wand, but Harry did nothing, but stare so _'Vander _exclaimed, "Well, Give it a wave."

Harry jumped and did as told. He flung his arm around crazily and 'Vander had to duck to save his eye from being skewered from its socket. The wand did work its magic though. Harry successfully made a vase shatter.

"I did it!" He said ecstatic.

'Vander blinked slowly and cautiously moved closer to the insane child. "That _wasn't_ supposed to happen." Harry's face fell.

"Oh," he mumbled, disappointed.

After going through all thirteen floors of '_Vander's Hot and Spicy Wands, _Harry and 'Vander had just about given up; Harry because it was taking too long and his attention span was giving out and 'Vander because he could no longer see through his left eye.

'Vander decided to give it one more try as he remembered there was a wand in the back storage room. He went back to get it and when he came out, handed it to the messy haired boy.

As soon as the wand was in his grasp a mysterious light shone upon his shiny, shiny hair.

"Thanks Bob!" The camera zoomed in on the special effects guy. Bob gave a thumbs up sign and winked, making all the ladies swoon for he was incredibly good looking. So much more good looking than Harry, who was just plain hot even with his wild hair and geeky glasses. Little did they all know Bob was going to be playing the American exchange student. And the Canadian exchange student. And the French. And the Australian. And a couple more that nobody really cared about.

Back to Harry—Harry was being wind-blown and light-shined. He suddenly burst into the catchy, "Oh oh, it's magic. Ya know-ow-ow."

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A horrible place to cut it off, I know. This chapter was originally supposed to be a little over 2,000 words, but I felt bad for not updating. The next chapter will just be a bit longer. Thank you everyone who reviewed! Please remember to review! 


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